The Story of Samson

By Maharishi Gator

Copyright © 2004 by T. Scharrer

jokes@gatorsden.org

A popular program on cable television is professional wrestling. These events are viewed and enjoyed by millions of fans who enjoy watching the violence and mayhem. To many of the fans of this sport, the names of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Undertaker, Triple H, Goldberg, and even a wrestler with the undignified name of “Bad Ass” are popular modern heroes. Their antics cause the adrenalin to rise in everyone who watches these so-called professional wrestling matches. It is common for the audience to become excited into what may be described as a lively if not hysterical frenzy.

Our modern society admires strength and courage. This was also true back in Biblical times. The Greeks started the Olympics, which was a sporting event of vast importance. The ancient Israelites admired strength in men. Let’s look at a biography of a Biblical character with super human strength. A man considered a hero with immeasurable courage, who was willing to murder thousands of people for Jehovah. That man was Samson. Here is the story of the Biblical hero.

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In the 13^th chapter of Judges, there is a man named Manoah, who had a wife who was sterile and childless. (Hmmm. Haven’t we heard this story before, but the man’s name was Abram and his wife was Sarai.) An Angel appeared and told her she was going to become pregnant and give birth to a son. (This is also similar to the Abram tale.) She was not to eat anything unclean (no pork chops, ribs, bacon, or ham) or drink any fermented wine. She was never to cut her son’s hair because “the boy will be a *Nazarite of God from birth until the day of his death.” Manoah, probably did not believe his wife, so he prayed to God; “LORD send the Angel back and teach us how to raise our son.”

The woman saw the Angel again while she was out in the field. (This is beginning to sound more and more like the Abraham story, folks.) She fetched her husband who came and greeted him. The Angel repeated to Manoah what he told his wife in his previous visit. She was not to eat any unclean food, drink any booze, and must do everything as directed. According to the Book of Judges, Manoah did not know this creature was an Angel of the Jehovah. One wonders why Manoah would listen to a stranger, who was telling him tales about his wife getting pregnant. If we are to consider this story as true, it is best to ignore your logical and analytical thinking. Put on your blinders and I shall continue with the story of our hero, Samson.

Manoah took a young goat, with a grain offering and sacrificed them to Jehovah. The beautiful young goat was braying as it left its mom. The milk was still dripping from its mouth as Manoah grabbed the young goat by the back of its neck and took it to the stone altar. Manoah looked into the young animal’s smooth, shinny brown eyes and slit its throat from ear to ear. The blood flowed bountifully on the rock, covering the creature's fir with bright crimson. The LORD enjoyed the sight so much so, that he sent a laser beam to the sacrificial rock. The laser beam produced a flame, which blazed up from the altar toward heaven. The Angel of the LORD, who had spoken to Manoah and his wife entered the flame, ascended toward Heaven and disappeared. This scene resembles one from the Star Trek television series. I can still see Captain Kirk calling out; “Beam me up, Scotty.” Could this have been the first pilot show for the Star Trek series? Sorry, folks. I’m getting sidetracked here.

The woman gave birth to a boy who she named Samson. Jehovah blessed Samson. Here is a bit of trivia which we ignored until now. In the story Samson, his father’s name was "Manoah.” Samson’s mother was …..was ……was….was…. “the woman.” Nowhere do we find that she had a name. This brings back memories of the story of Adam and “the Woman” which was first exposed by the talented Mighty Gator in a previous essay.

After Samson became a young adult, he journeyed to Timnah where he found a beautiful young Philistine woman. Samson returned to his home and discussed his new found love with his mom and dad.

“I have seen a very sexy Philistine young lady in Timnah. Now, you go and get her for me, I want that babe for my wife!”

His dad and mom replied; “Can’t you find a female among our relatives?”

“It sounds like you want me to do the incest thing. The Israelites are really into that kinky stuff, as was Cain and his sister wife, but it's not for me. I’m telling you, the Philistine woman is the sweetest one and I want only her. I don’t want to marry a close relative and have kids with six fingers and toes like some of the Philistines. My Philistine woman still has five fingers and toes. We have to stop this inbreeding. My lust for this babe is far beyond my control. I said GET HER FOR ME.”

“I’m sure you can find a willing female among some of our people. Why do you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?”

“What does circumcism have to do with it, Dad? Our tribe has a hang up on what Father Abraham started a longtime ago. Gosh, it didn’t bother my Philistine girlfriend when I showed her I was circumcised! I mean, ‘told her’ that I was circumcised. I want this woman and I need her. GET HER FOR ME.”

Manoah, his wife the woman, with Samson packed a couple of donkeys and traveled toward Timnah. The party approached the vineyards of Timnah when Samson’s parents were separated from his sight. Suddenly, a young lion came running toward Samson. He quickly stuck his hands down the throat of the lion and tore him all apart, instantly killing the beast. (Didn’t I see this in a Bugs Bunny cartoon?) Samson then went down to the village and talked to the woman whom he loved and lusted after.

Some time later, Samson retuned to marry the woman. On the way there, he looked for and found the carcass of the lion he killed. Samson reached his hands into the stomach opening of the dead, rotting lion, where he found some honeybees. He scooped out some of the honey and ate it while completing his journey. Samson rejoined his parents and gave them some of the honey to eat, but he did not tell them from what source he recovered it.

The wedding was being planned. Manoah traveled to see his future daughter-in-law and attend a feast given by his son, Samson. It was the custom of the bridegroom to do so. After Manoah arrived, he was given thirty companions who were in charge of protecting the wedding party. Something strange happens in our tale. Samson tells a riddle.

“I’m going to tell you a riddle. If you figure it out, I’ll give you thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes. On the other hand, if you get it wrong, you will give me the same things.”

The men agreed and Samson replied, “Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, and something sweet.” He gave them seven days to figure out the answer.

Three days passed. On the fourth day the men went to Samson’s wife, who like his mother, had no name. They threatened to burn down her house and murder her family if she didn’t find a way to convince her husband Samson to tell her the answer to his silly riddle.

Samson’s wife threw a tantrum. She threw herself on Samson and shouted, "You hate me Samson, you hate me! If you loved me, you would tell me the answer. I know you would. You hate me, you hate me!”

Samson learned the desire to have a wife sometimes is more pleasurable than getting married to the woman. I’m sure some women feel the same way about their marriage to their man. Samson’s wife continued to nag and complained until Samson could take no more of her loud mouth. After listening her bawl and whimper, he finally gave in, telling her the answer.

The men of the town approached Samson with smirks on their faces and gave him the answer to the riddle in the form of questions.

“What is sweeter than honey?”

“What is stronger than a lion?”

Samson was angry. He complained to the men; “If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle.” This was the first time in history that a bridegroom called his new young bride a COW.

Samson did not take the loss of the bet lightly. He went down to Ashkelon, and continued to murder thirty of their men, stripped them of their belongings and gave them to the winners of the riddle. Samson returned to his father’s house. Meanwhile, his wife was given to a friend, who had attended Samson at his wedding.

A fortnight later, Samson took a young goat and went to visit his wife. It was then when he learned her father had given her to one of Samson's friends. This didn't make him happy. It is like taking a large chunk of raw beefsteak from a pit bull when he is eating it.

Her father looked at the lovesick groom and said, “I thought you hated her because she told her friends the answer to your riddle, son. Why don’t you just forget about her and take her younger sister instead. Her sister is a much better looking babe than your wife.”

Samson walked away, planning vengeance. He did not bother to answer his father-in-law, although he knew in his heart the younger sister was a much better choice as a wife than the woman he married.

Samson said; “This time I will fix these damn Philistines. They will regret the day I came to get me a female from them.” He captured three hundred foxes. Samson took ropes and tied the foxes tail to tail, together in pairs. (Sure…we believe this story, don’t we folks.) With one hundred fifty pairs of foxes in front of him, Samson fastened a torch to every pair of tails. Samson then set fire to all the torches and turned the foxes loose, to run into the fields and orchards of the Philistines. The foxes, being in severe pain, went running throughout the vineyards and olive groves setting them all on fire. The smell of burned fox fur strongly permeated the air. After the fires burned-out, the bodies of three hundred foxes were seen laying in the fields. They undoubtedly died horribly and painfully because of the actions of Samson. (It seems the animal rights people should have jumped all over this blatant animal abuse found in the Bible. Since this has not occurred, the honorable Mighty Gator shall continue to bring light to darkness, by describing animal abuses found in the scriptures.)

The Philistines did not like this. Therefore, they went up to where Samson’s wife and family lived and burned them to death.

Samson was filled with rage, angry, and pissed off to the limit. He vowed revenge and attacked them. He viciously slaughtered many and then fled to a cave in the rock of Etam.

Since Samson was hiding in Judah, the Philistines asked the men of that tribe to help capture the wanted man. They agreed to do it. They found Samson and he agreed to go with them back to the land of the Philistines. They bound him with ropes and journeyed back. As they approached the Philistines, the ropes fell apart from the hands of Samson and the spirit of the LORD came on him. He broke loose from the three thousand men of Judah who had captured him. Samson was so angry he grabbed the fresh jawbone of a donkey and murdered a thousand men using it as a club! (Heh heh heh, sure. First, we talked about a professional wrestler named “Bad Ass” and now we are talking about a man that claims to have murdered a thousand men with the jawbone of an ass! Forgive the poor Gator as he rolls on the floor laughing at the story of Samson. I have calmed myself. I will continue the story with renewed humble dignity.)

When he finished, Samson threw away the jawbone. The place where it lay on the ground was called Ramath Lehi. Perhaps some fortune hunters may try to find it even today. Perhaps DNA testing will show the blood of a thousand Philistines embedded in the bone material of the jawbone. Perhaps this story is just a fable.

After killing a thousand men, Samson was thirsty. He cried out to the LORD. “You have given me a great victory. I have now murdered1030 men and many others. Now, LORD, I am thirsty. Must I die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?” (Now, wait a minute. What does circumcism have to do with any of this? Do you suppose that Samson checked to see if the men he killed were circumcised?)

God opened a hollow mountain and water sprung forth. Samson stooped down, formed a cup with his hands, and continued to drink until he was no longer suffering from thirst. According to the book of Judges, Samson led Israel for twenty years.

Samson was a sex machine. Sometime later, he got up in the morning and traveled to Gaza in search of some sexual gratification. Samson found a willing hooker who invited him to spend the night with her. As he moved close to her, felt her long black hair and smelled her perfume, Samson began drooling and smiling with sexual ecstasy. The people of the town surrounded the building where Samson and the hooker were a rocking and a rolling, hoping to capture or kill him in the morning. After all, it would not be polite to interrupt Samson in such an enjoyable moment of ecstasy.

Samson was a sneaky and clever “John.” He left during the night, took hold of the doors of the city gate, and the two posts, and tore them off. For some strange reason, Samson lifted the doors to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill overlooking Hebron. Isn’t it grand what a man can do after a good roll in the hay with a naked hooker!

Good things do not last forever. Eventually Samson was to meet a woman who would use his lust against him. At last, he fell deeply in love again, this time with a woman who’s name was Delilah. The men of her city approached her, saying: “We know that Samson is one horney dude who likes to do the wild thing with babes. His record with other people has much to be desired. He murdered over a thousand men, so we believe he has special powers. If you find out what his secret is, we will pay you money, much more than he could give you.”

“Sure, I can use the money. Besides, I know sexual techniques that will make Samson worship the dandruff that falls off my head.”

The scene fades. As the next scene opens, we see Samson in Delilah’s love den. She looks at her man and whispers; “Ah Sammy, my love, you know what I like! You are the best lover and strongest man in the world. I bet you would like to try some strange moves, you muscle head! Tell me how I could tie you up so you cannot escape and I will make all your dreams and bondage fantasies a reality! It will be the best time you ever had.”

“Oh, baby! If someone tied me up with seven fresh thongs I would be as weak as any other man alive.”

Delilah put on her leather shorts and bra and tied Samson with new ropes. All the while, the perverted Philistines continued hiding in the room watching the couple’s special activities. Delilah shouted at Samson, “The Philistines are here to get you!” Samson immediately broke all the ropes holding him but the men who were going to assault him remained hidden.

No one ever said Samson was a mental giant. Perhaps a sexual giant, but mentally he functioned like a PC computer running Microsoft 98 with only four Megs of ram and an Intel 486 processor. Instead of cutting his losses and leaving Delilah for another woman, we find God's hero in conversation with her.

Delilah spoke, “You have made a fool of me and you lied to me! Tell me how I can tie you up so you cannot escape?”

Samson, with a vacant look on his face, stupidly replies; “You have to weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom, tighten it with the pin, and I will be as weak as any normal man.” Delilah, smiles. While Samson was sleeping, Delilah does as he said. Samson is dumber than a box of rocks and his head must be filled with cement, because Delilah again shouts and wakes him.

“The Philistines are here to get you, Samson!” Again, he pulled loose and was free. The men remained hidden, watching their sexual fantasies coming true while awaiting a chance to get Samson.

Samson looked over at his love puppy and said. “Ah, babe, why are you doing this to me?”

“Sammy, how can I love you when you don’t trust me?” (Oh, sure. This babe deserved trust after the game she is playing!) “This is the third time you made a fool of me.”

Samson looked at Delilah, saying, “You keep promising me some of this kinky stuff by wearing all those leather garments and tying me up. What you need is a pair of handcuffs, but they have not yet been invented. I want you so badly, Delilah. I will tell you my real secret. I am a *Nazarite. No razor has touched my hair. Remember when you was singing that song; ‘Give me a head of hair, long stringy hair, shining, shining, gleaming, flexing waxing . . . . .dah dah dah?’ That is my secret! I’ve never been to the barbershop nor had a haircut. If my head were shaved, I would be as weak as any other man.”

“Okay, Sammy…now that babykins knows your secret I will make you happy!”

Samson must have had a serious problem with staying awake, because the big dude fell asleep with his head in the lap of Delilah. Now people don’t put more into where Samson lay his head than what was happening here. Honestly, he just fell asleep! Delilah called in a man who shaved off the braids of Samson’s hair. Talk about a sound sleeper, Samson was sleeping like a baby with a clean diaper.

“Samson, the Philistines are on you!” Shouted Delilah.

Samson woke up and tried to fight them off, but was unable to do so. The LORD was not with him anymore. His precious hair was gone, as was his strength. Perhaps this is where the saying originated, “hair today, gone tomorrow.”

The Philistines took Samson to Gaza where they gouged out his eyes. (Ouch…) They bound him with bronze shackles and set him to grinding grain in the prison. But, his hair began to grow back. Of course, this should be of no surprise to anyone who reads myths and fairy tales and gets an occasional haircut.

Now the Philistines decided to offer a great sacrifice to their god, Dagon. They wanted to thank Dagon for delivering Samson into their hands. Wait a minute! Why didn’t they honor and thank Delilah for capturing him instead of Dagon? We must tell the tale as recorded in the Book of Judges.

All the Philistines were in high spirits. The party was rolling along and everyone was drinking, smoking weed, snorting coke and having a great time. Someone shouted, “Bring out Samson to entertain us!”

The Philistine guards brought him out, standing him between the two support pillars of the temple theater. The temple was crowded with men and women. There were about three thousand people who were watching Samson and the rulers of the Philistines.

Samson prayed to Jehovah. (Now, wait a cotton-picking minute here. Why did God like Samson? So far, he has killed over 1030 men, had sex with a hooker and had kinky sex with Delilah without the blessings and honor of marriage. In all honesty, Samson was a bully who would murder you for smiling cross-eyed at him. The LORD listened to Samson who standing between the two central pillars of the temple. Bracing himself with each hand on a pillar, Samson pushed with all of his strength. The temple crumbled down on all who were in there, killing them. This last act of violence killed over three thousand people. The final total mayhem, if you can believe this story, shows Samson killed a minimum of 4,030 people. The real total may have exceeded five thousand dead bodies. Remember folks, this was sanctioned by the LORD, and the LORD blessed Samson. Somehow, I think the Dagon could not have been worse than Yahweh when it came to violence and murder.

The wise and honorable Mighty Gator shall now rest as he considers his next essay. It is not easy being a prophet.

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NOTES:

* Nazarite [The Nazarites were individual Israelites who were especially dedicated to the service of Yahweh (Jehovah). These dedicated if not fanatical individuals abstained from drinking intoxicating drinks and from cutting their hair or shaving. They also would not approach or touch a dead body. This is in conflict with the story of Samson. Not only did Samson touch dead bodies, he murdered and stole the clothing off those bodies. He also did not have any moral fortitude because of his association with prostitutes. Although he is heralded as a Biblical hero, there is no evidence that he lived a life that should be copied by anyone. It is my view that Samson was nothing more than an Israelite fable story much like Abraham and several other Old Testament characters.

John the Baptist who was the cousin of Jesus was also a Nazarite.