The Talking Ass

By Maharishi Gator

This story is about a talking ass. In previous Biblical stories, the great prophet, Maharishi Gator wrote about a modern day professional wrestler named Bad Ass. Gator also penned the story of Samson who murdered over 1000 people with the jawbone of an ass. We shall take our Biblical research to the next level and examine the story of a “Talking Ass.”

The hero of our story is Balaam. Balaam was not an Israelite nor was he a worshipper of the Israelite tribal God, Jehovah. Biblical scholars say when Balaam was speaking to God; he was addressing any deity, not necessarily the Hebrew God. This is confusing. Most people assume Balaam was a worshipper of Jehovah in the Bible book of Numbers chapter 22. So the question remains, what God was talking to Balaam? Since the Bible suggests it was the Jewish God “Jehovah”, we will assume it is so. Balaam was a pagan prophet. Yet, we will see him conversing both with Jehovah and an Angel. Confusing isn’t it! We’’ begin our examination of the story of Balaam and see if he should have made his historic journey.

Verse 12 of Numbers 22, says; “But God said to Balaam, “Do not go with them, you must not put a curse on those people, because they are blessed.”

Compare that with verse 20: “That night God came to Balaam and said, “Since these men have come to send for you, go with them, but do only what I tell you.” Here we can see that God gave Balaam permission to make his journey.

Yet, in verse 22, we see that, “But God was very angry when Balaam went, and the Angel of the LORD stood in the road to oppose him.” It’s obvious that Jehovah was unsure what he wanted Balaam to do. We will find nothing but badness will result from the indecision. How can God be undecided?

Our story opens: Balaam got ready to leave home. It was a bright, warm morning. Balaam cinched the saddle on his ass and was on his way. The morning dew reflected the sunrays, magnifying the colors of the date palm trees. The journey was about to begin.

Balaam had not traveled far when Jehovah became enraged. Jehovah was always fuming in the Old Testament, or fighting a war. It’s time for God to take action. Balaam was riding on the back of the poor animal and two servants were accompanying him. The Book of Numbers does not say whether the servants were riding animals or walking alongside Balaam. Jehovah sends one of his Angels to stand in the road, direct in the path of Balaam’s ass. Clearly Balaam’s ass had better vision than Balaam, because the female ass could see the Angel and Balaam could not. The Angel stood in the middle-of-the-road, swinging a sword. So Balaam’s ass turned from the roadway and began walking into a field.

Balaam did not like the behavior of the poor creature so he began beating her vigorously. He was yelling; “What is the matter with you, get back on the path, you dumb ass.” The animal said nothing.

Jehovah’s Angel continued standing in the narrow path between two vineyards as Balaam forced his ass back onto the pathway. There was a wall next to the path, so the terrified she ass crushed Balaam’s foot against it. “What is the matter with you?” Screamed Balaam. “You’ve to be the stupidest ass in the world. Crush my foot will you, I’ll plummet you to death.” Once more, our Biblical hero is beating his ass. The animal said nothing.

The Angel of Jehovah moved backward, staying on the path. (We already proved all Angels are male, folks.) He stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn. The poor beaten ass saw the Angel and stopped, lying down, almost toppled Balaam from the saddle. Balaam is experiencing road rage for the first time in recorded history. He jumped off the poor animal and for the third time, began beating her with his staff, showing no mercy or compassion. Jehovah then performed a miracle. He gave the ass the ability to speak!

She turned to Balaam and said, “I know you are my master and I know I’m your poor old ass. You have beat on me three different occasions. What have I done to deserve such treatment?” (Notice the ass had good linguistic skills and used compound words.)

Balaam replied to his ass. “You made a damn fool out of me. If I had a sword, I would hack off your head, killing you. My foot hurts something awful.”

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The Mighty Gator says, "Let’s stop here and analyze what is happening. Unless it was commonplace for a donkey to talk back in those days, wouldn’t you suspect that Balaam would be so terrified and shocked when hearing his ass speak; he would put a dark lumpy stain in his pants? That would be the logical reaction! Did it happen? Certainly not, instead Balaam began to carry on a conversation with the beast as if it were an everyday incidence. Let’s listen in on the banter, it could be interesting.”

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The donkey turns his horsy face toward his master. “Am I not your own ass, which you have ridden until this day? Haven’t I did everything you wanted of me? Haven’t I been a loyal ass and always carried your lazy ass everywhere you wanted to go?

Balaam looks at the animal, and stupidly replies, “NO.”

Lastly, we find that Jehovah opens the eyes of Balaam and he sees the Angel standing in the road with his sword drawn. Balaam humbly bows before the presence and falls with his face to the ground.

Jehovah’s Angel begins a conversation with Balaam. “Why did you beat your ass three times? She saved your life, Balaam. If she hadn’t turned away from me, I would have murdered you with my sword. You can be assured I wouldn’t murder your ass, just you. A good and loyal ass is something to be treasured.”

Did the ass did save Balaam? Would he have been hacked to death by the Angel, if the donkey had not seen him standing in the road? Or did the Angel tell a bold lie, since it was planned by Jehovah for the beast to see the Angel and stop the murder? Perhaps this should remain a mystery. After all, that’s how we always rationalize the irrationality of Biblical paradoxical stories.

Balaam spoke to the Angel. “I have sinned. I didn’t realize you wanted to oppose me. I’m still confused, first God tells me not to go, then to go; now he tells me not to go. How am I supposed to make the right decision if Jehovah cannot make up his almighty mind? You showed yourself to my ass, not me, so how was I expected to react? Since you are not happy about my excursion, I shall return to where I started my journey.”

Balaam turned back, returning to the Moabite town on the Arnon border where he once more met Balak. On arriving, the group sacrifices cattle and sheep. But, remember, they were not Israelites and did not worship Jehovah. These were pagan rituals. There is no suggestion that Balaam ever worshipped the Israelite God, and therefore it makes this whole story more unbelievable.

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*Notes from the author, Maharishi Gator: It took much thought and contemplation before I told the tale of Balaam. At times, I almost didn’t continue because of writer’s block. As I sat in front of my computer in almost total despair ready to give up, my Yorkshire dog, Buffy turned to me and said; “Why are you giving up so easily? You know the story must be told and you shall complete it. But, didn’t you forget something?” (Like Balaam’s ass, my dog Buffy could use compound words.)

I looked at Buffy and apologized; “Yes, I’m sorry. Let’s get your leash and I’ll take you outside to go to the bathroom.”

When I returned, my writer’s block was over. If you believe my dog talked to me, you will believe Balaam’s ass talked to him.

Maharishi Gator