Noah

The Story of Noah

By Gator

Several hundred years had passed since Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden bananas and banned from the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve (the woman) are now dead. Let’s focus our attention on the Biblical character named, Noah. When Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth. Although, if one considers the lunar calendar and the prospect that 500 years could represent 500 months, then Noah was only about 38 years-old when his sons were born. Since the Bible is supposedly infallible, we shall continue with our story as presented in the Book of Genesis and assume that Noah is 500 years old. Yeah, right.

The population of the Earth had increased to several million since God created Adam. Let’s discuss the human women born between the time of Adam and Noah. The Bible reports that some of the Angels in Heaven looked down on human females and thought they were beautiful. Some Angels took the form of human male bodies and took human females as their wives. Children were born from this intermarriage. The offspring of this mating were considered the hero’s and great men of their time.

Let us examine this carefully. Let’s assume the story of angels intermarriage to human women happened. Did you notice that NONE of the Angels of God materialized and took the bodily form of a human female to marry a man? There can only be one reason for this. We must presume that all Angels are male in gender.

There must be reasons Angels had strong sexual wants for female humans. For this to happen, God probably created Angels with the physical sexual attributes of a male. Now it’s beginning to make sense. Perhaps God intended to create a female species of Angel and have them reproduce in Heaven. There is a precedent for this. God created the male human long before creating a female human as a mate for him. Since there are no female Angels mentioned in the Bible, the horny Angels were only doing what their hormones were telling them to do. Genetically, it was the first DNA transfer of an alien species to the eggs of a human female. Their children were called Nephilim.

What about the life span of the Angels who materialized in the flesh. Did they continue to be young only to watch their beautiful young female brides' age into senior citizens? Or, did their bodies’ age and decay as the years passed, similar to those of natural humans? Possibly the Angels had perfect bodies and they did not age. What happened to the Angels after their human wives died? Did they zap back into spiritual bodies and reenter Heaven or did they take another beautiful young babe to be their blushing bashful bride? The Bible account in Genesis does not say.

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The LORD saw the Earth as a wicked place. Genesis 6:7 says, "Jehovah” was grieved (GRIEVED?) that he had made man on the earth." Therefore, Jehovah decided to mass murder humankind and all the animal creatures living on the planet. There was only one righteous man left on the surface of Earth, and that was Noah.

The LORD said, "Noah."

"Okay, I hear someone calling me. If it is you, my sweet wife, I am busy, being righteous. So, leave me alone," replied Noah.

"Noah."

"Okay, I give up. Who is it?"

"It is I, the LORD.’

"Right, sure, huh. What do you want?"

"The earth is a nasty bad ass place, and I’m going to massacre everyone on it. In fact, there won’t be any animal or creature living on dry ground when I get done."

"You must be having a bad day, LORD."

"You bet I am. It’s supposed to be my day off, my day of rest. First, I had to deal with Adam and the woman, and then with Cain and Able. This is supposed to be my sabbatical day of rest. Nevertheless, there comes a time when a God has to do what a God has to do. Noah, I want you to build an Ark"

"What’s an Ark, Lord? I don’t know what an "Ark" is. Besides, I am 500 years old, retired, and living on Social Security. I cannot afford to even buy enough groceries, much less build an”Ark" whatever that may be."

"Stop speaking and listen to me, Noah. An Ark is a large boat. Make the boat 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Make it a three-deck craft, but not as a pleasure boat. You won’t be pulling any skiers behind this box because engines and gasoline haven’t been invented."

"Put a door on the side of the boat for loading cargo. I’m going to make it rain enough to bring floodwaters to cover and destroy all life under the Heavens. Everything will drown on the face of the Earth. The water will be twenty feet deep over the highest mountain when I stop the rain."

"Now, let’s get serious, LORD. You mean to tell me you’re going to kill all living creatures on the Earth, including the entire populace of humanity and all the animals? That doesn’t seem rational. After all, if humanity were the problem, why would you kill all the animals too? Let’s get back to the boat design. Why do you want me to build such a strange looking vessel?"

"Noah, haven’t you been paying attention to what I said? I plan to repopulate the earth. To do so, I will save you and your wife, with your sons and their wives from the massive flood on the Earth. After the waters recede and dry ground appears, you and your family will leave the Ark. You will reproduce and humanity will eventually number in the billions."

"So, this flood will make the earth and human beings righteous, is this correct?"

"No, I didn’t say that. But, it will make conditions temporarily better for a few years. Sometime in the future I have other plans to mass murder humankind again. Next time I will save more than eight people. I will save all loyal Jehovah’s Witnesses who will remain to multiply and fill the earth for a third time. But, that is none of your business, Noah."

"That sounds strange to me, but I will not question it. What’s a Jehovah’s Witness? Ah, never mind answering that question. So, why do you want me to build such a big boat?"

"You will also gather two of each animal species and birds, both male and female and lead them to the boat. Once inside the boat you will preserve and take care of them until the flood and rain ends and dry land appears again."

"Okay LORD, but I have a problem. Here in Iraq, there are only a few species of animals to load on the boat. If the flood is about to happen, I must begin my building project. It will take at least ten years to sail around the world and get all the animal species. It is one heck of a long ways to Australia where the marsupial creatures live. They will have to be gathered and loaded into the boat. I will have to travel to South America to get Lamas. From there, I can go to North America, where the Buffalo roam and the deer and the Antelope play. There are thousands of animal species not available here in the Iraq. I must build a room for the snakes and vipers. It will take me years to gather two of each snake species, LORD. You didn’t mention the reptiles, LORD. We must preserve the mighty Gator."

"Noah, you are just like Adam and the woman and Cain, their son. You keep asking analytical questions. Just shut up and do what I command you, even if your common sense tells you it defies logic. I might just mysteriously zap all the animals to the door of your boat. Have you thought about that?"

"Yes, LORD. If you do that, couldn’t you just as well provide safe shelter somewhere with out using the boat to keep them safe? It is getting more confusing all the time."

"Be quiet Noah, just listen to me." The LORD continued to speak. Noah could tell the Almighty was losing patience and getting angry.

"Anyway, when all the animals are loaded, get into the boat with your family and I will seal the doors shut. The Ark will save your lives. The ark will remain closed except for a small hatch at the top, which will be opened only when I request it."

"LORD, I know you must have thought about this, but what about all the animal feed I will need to keep those critters well-fed? Where do I store all the food for them and my family?

“Don’t worry about it, Noah. You will need enough food to feed all my creatures for up to a year. Don’t argue with me, for I am God.”

“I do worry about it, LORD. You didn’t answer my question. I have no idea what to feed all the creatures found on this planet, or where to get the food. I know many animals, reptiles and snakes need special diets to live. With all those snakes on board, the birds and other small critters will be targeted as meals. LORD, I have another question."

"What is it, Noah?"

"LORD, there is no bathroom being built in the Ark. If we are on the Ark for a year with all these animals, the boat will eventually be full of shit, LORD. Think about the rancid smells of animal piss and crap added to the droppings my family deposited in the boat. It will be very unsanitary. The methane gas produced by all the manure could kill all the animals on the lower and second deck. With all the methane gas on board, If I try to build a cooking fire for my wife to prepare our meals, you would probably see the explosion all the way to your Heavenly throne room, LORD."

"Also, if I seal up the entire boat the way you requested LORD, there will not be enough oxygen to keep the animals alive. With no open doors or windows, there will be no ventilation to bring in fresh air."

"Noah, don’t be concerned trivial matters. The LORD has spoken."

"Okay, LORD. Let’s assume we survive the journey. I’ll have to return all the animals to their homelands. The kangaroo must be dropped off at the continent of Australia. All the other species must be returned to their native homelands. It will take me years and years, considering my boat has no motor, sail, or method of navigation. I could float on the sea for eternity and never get those critters back where they came from. Of course, being in the Ark for years would require more food storage and huge piles of fecal wastes."

"Noah, don’t worry about it. The LORD has spoken."

"LORD, what about all the species of birds? There will be no room on the Ark for them to fly around. Should I build perches for them above the other animals, so they will be out of reach? I really hate to walk around with those nasty birds above my head all-day. Perhaps I should invent the umbrella! That’s it! What a great idea! I could call it the Noachian Guano Protector."

"Get serious, Noah. I am beginning to question if you are capable of building my Ark and carrying out my requests."

"LORD, there is a creature called the Polar Bear which lives near the North Pole. Do you think my boat will be able to make the trip there among the icebergs? What about the Penguin and Seal, LORD? I know you want me to journey to China and get the Pandas. There will have to be a large supply of fresh, green bamboo shoots to feed them."

"Noah, don’t worry about it, just do what I have commanded. My conversation with you is finished. Go, seek out your skilled artisans, gather the timbers and be sure to pitch them well so the Ark does not leak. Good-bye Noah."

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When Noah was six hundred years old (yeah, right) the floodgates of heaven opened and it began to rain. It would continue to rain for forty days and forty nights, covering the highest mountains on the earth. Noah and his wife and his three sons and their wives entered the boat and the door was sealed. This was after all the animals were loaded, that is, if you can believe the story of Noah. Everything that lived on the Earth, except for those creatures and Noah’s family on the Ark died. The waters flooded the earth for 150 days. Noah and his family and all the animals stayed on the boat for almost a year before the waters dried up and they left the vessel.

After getting onto dry land, Noah built a sacrificial altar to make an offering to Jehovah. He took some of the clean animals and birds he so carefully protected and loved on the boat, slit their throats, and burned them on the alter. (Doesn’t sound fair after preserving their lives on the Ark for a year, does it?) The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart. "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures as I have done."

There is more to the story of Noah, but for now, that shall remain to be told. There is the story of Noah who got drunk and lay naked outside his tent. One of his sons told his brothers about his father being drunk. Thus, Noah cursed his grandson Canaan and told him he would be a slave to all his brothers. Thus, the great Maharishi Gator leaves this tale for the reader to ponder.