In the beginning God created the Heavens and the earth

In The Beginning: The Early Years of Human beings

By Maharishi Gator

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth. The creation was completed using a secret energy to matter conversion, patented by God. God continues to hold the rights and has not shared them with anyone. The beginning of God himself shall remain an enigma. It has been said the divine deity is energy itself. Others believe he looks like a man with all the characteristics of a male. Since we do not have a good source of information about the beginnings of the Almighty, no further description will be given. Perhaps it is the greatest paradox ever considered and we should not inquire about the matter.

Creation may have taken billions, millions, or just a few thousand years; depending on what expert with whom you talk. Clearly, God failed to keep accurate timekeeping. Perhaps God used a creation program that only recorded the last two digits of a year, similar to a faulted system developed and used by our coexisting Microsoft God. Both Gods are evasive and dislike being questioned or interrogated.

In the beginning, God created all living plants on the earth. After discovering the entire planet became choked with trees, weeds, and undergrowth, the Almighty found it necessary to get rid of the excess vegetation. He created living creatures, both in the sea and on dry land to consume the dense vegetation. This idea didn’t work as God had planned. The animals excreted dung, which fertilized the plants and eventually only served to make them grow faster and larger.

The first animals God created were dinosaurs. These huge beasts had little regard for the plant life and smashed down the grass as they waked through the fields and woodlands. God decided to create the ice age to destroy the dinosaurs. He considered them a failure. The huge slow moving mass of ice would scrape off some of the excess vegetation on the earth. The only evidence we have that dinosaurs existed are fossilized bones. After seeing the dinosaur was a washout, the Supreme deity created man, whom he knew would have a real affect on lowering the plant and animal population of the Earth. Eventually man would cause more ecological problems than creating all the dinosaurs and other animals and fish. Adam became the first human being. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and become the caretaker.

Since Adam ran through the woods naked, one begins to wonder when God created the mosquitoes and other insects. After all, they are the food for many birds and reptiles. One morning, as Adam was swatting mosquitoes, God spoke. "Adam, I am getting tired of this creation balderdash and plan to take a vacation and rest. Meanwhile, would you give names to each of the animal species, birds, and fishes? I didn’t have time to name all the plants either, so why don’t you also name them for me. Also, be my groundskeeper and clean up this place."

Adam, who must have been created with a language program already installed, replied: "Yuppers, okay God."

Adam started walking around behind all the animals, giving them names. Nevertheless, being the only human on the Earth, it was a senseless duty. After all, Adam could neither read nor write, so he had to commit every name to memory. Adam was lonely. Here he was, sitting around naked all-day long, scratching his bug bites, eating fruit, and memorizing “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse, etc”. God commanded Adam to eat nothing but the vegetation and fruit found in the garden. He was forbidden to consume meat. The constant eating of fruit gave Adam chronic shits and canker sores in his mouth. One is not to question the orders of God.

Jehovah looked down from Heaven and saw that Adam was lonely. Jehovah began to reason why he created Adam. God thought; I created Adam as a male. Why did I do that? That is right, it was because he was created in my image and I am a male! I must select a companion for Adam, and since he is a male, it must be a female.

God looked at all the female animals of Earth to see if there was a suitable companion for Adam. The dog was loyal but proved unsuitable nor was she desirable to Adam as a mate. The cow, horse and the elephant was too big. The sheep was…….well Adam did take a real liking to the sheep, but a long-term relationship would never work between the two. So the sheep was removed as a lifetime companion for Adam. God made Adam fall into a deep coma. He removed one of Adam’s ribs and formed it into a female counterpart. He called the female; the Woman.

God said, "Hey Adam, wake up! I have a woman for you."

Adam awoke and said; "God, what’s a woman?"

"Haven’t you been watching the animals, Adam? Remember the two dogs you laughed at when you thought they were stuck together? Remember a few weeks later the female dog gave birth to puppies? Well, that is what a woman is for! I want you to multiply and fill the Earth, and subdue it."

Adam looked at God and replied. "So you want the human woman to have puppies?"

"No Adam, you just don’t get it, do you. The woman has been created out of your body so you can have her as your companion. You and she will eventually reproduce and have children."

"But God, why go through all that trouble when you can just create more humans anyway?"

"That is a question you are not supposed to ask, Adam. Just take the woman and show her around the Garden. Explain about all the life-forms to her and teach her my commandments."

"Okay, God. But, I’m sure apprehensive. I hope this woman will not cause any trouble for me."

Therefore, Adam took the woman with no name and showed her the garden. He pointed out the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He pointed out the huge nut trees, fruit trees, and all the green vegetation growing in the garden. The woman continued to listen to Adam. The woman was curious and amazed how Adam could point without using either hand. That is another story.

One day the woman was walking alone among the trees of the Garden. We do not know where Adam was, the Bible does not say. He may have been sitting in front of the television set watching WWC Wrestling or a football game while sucking up a beer. Whatever the reason, Adam was nowhere to be found. We know a woman cannot think clearly without her man, so as the story progresses, it seems she is going to get into trouble.

The woman is enjoying her morning constitutional stroll. While walking past an Orange tree she abruptly comes to a sudden stop. Her eyes are directed to the middle of the Garden where she sees a huge banana tree. Within the branches of the tree, there is a huge, long, snake with a large head. The snake looks back at the woman and says, "Hi woman, what be happening’ babe? What be a cool chick like you doing wandering through my hood?"

The woman looked back at the serpent and said; "Hot damn, a talking snake! I’m just taking a stroll thorough the trees and found this neat looking yellow fruit hanging here. I’m hungry. I don't feel like fixing supper tonight, and McDonalds has yet to start opening restaurants. But Adam said I was not to eat anything from this tree."

"Hey babe, what does that dumbbell know anyway? You have to wonder about a man who goes around saying “dog, cat, cow, pig, horse” repeatedly all the time. He has some serious psychological problems. By the way, babe, what is your name?

"I am the Woman."

"Okay, I can see that because you are naked and have boobs, but what is your name?"

"I don’t have one. God called me the Woman, and now Adam calls me the Woman. He hasn’t gotten around to giving me a name. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a name. I was created to be Adam’s wench and companion. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I predict in about six thousand years, females will be shouting from the rooftops, "I AM WOMAN" and we will exercise our constitutional rights."

"Look at me, I am just a talking snake but at least I have a name. Here, have a banana.”

"What?"

"You know, eat some of the fruit from this tree, it tastes good."

The talking snake plucks a ripe banana from the tree with his fangs and puts it in the hand of the woman. She looks at it admiringly, and with a smile on her face, peels back the covering and takes a big bite.

"Not bad. I think Adam would like one of these. I must take a banana to him. I must find him, so, I’ll see you around, Mr. Snake." Eve plucks another banana off the tree, and carries it with her. Being naked, she did not have a pocket to put it into. The talking snake just smiles, creeps down the tree and slithers into a hole on the thirteenth green on the way to the clubhouse.

"Adam, where are you? I have something for you." The woman walks through a large meadow filled with flowers. She finds her beloved Adam sitting in a garden of poppies and smelling them with great eagerness. Adam’s face is all smiles and his eyes are dilated.

"Where yah been, woman? I found a great smelling flower that makes me feel like I could float higher than an elephant’s trunk. For a while, I just sniffed a poppy and recited all the animals’ names that I knew. Sniffed another poppy and repeated it. I think I just invented the mantra! How about coming over here and sitting down with me and having a great big sniff?"

"Not right now, Adam, maybe later. Perhaps we can find someway to get that fluffy smell out of the poppy and grind it into a powder. Anyway, for now would you like to taste a banana? It’s a great fruit given to me by a talking snake. Did yah know snakes could talk, Adam? I bet God didn’t tell you they could, did he? It was a big surprise to me to when I saw him hanging in that tree like a fire hose. Here let me peel back the fruit for you and take a bite."

Therefore, Adam took the fruit and ate it. He looked at the woman and said; "Woman, you are a mighty fine looking babe! Did you realize we are both naked, in a beautiful garden, with soft moss on the ground, smelling poppies, and I’m going crazy?"

Adam was about to do the “puppy-making act” when he heard God walking in the Garden. Being huge in stature, God made plenty of noise when he walked. All the little animals fled in fear of being squashed into pepperoni and getting stuck on the bottoms of his Almighty feet.

Adam and the woman ran into the bushes (no, not to do that!) and gathered fig leaves which they wrapped around their bodies. Finally, they appeared before God, and God was pissed!

"Adam, I say ADAM. Did you and the woman eat a banana?" Adam bowed his head in shame and said; "Yes God, the woman you gave me, gave the fruit to me and I did eat it."

God said; "Woman, is this true?” (Now dear reader, if God is all knowing why is he asking this rhetorical question?)

The woman looked at God and asked; "Why don’t I have a name like ever other animal in the Garden?"

"Don’t answer a question with a question, woman. Besides, your main purpose is to be breeding stock for Adam. If he wants to give you a name, then it is up to him to do so. Answer my question. Did you give Adam a banana?"

"Yes, God. A talking snake said I would like it, and he right! Why didn’t you tell us that snakes could talk?"

"Woman, you ask too many questions. Why, why, why, is why the only word you know? Because both you and Adam have disobeyed me and ate a banana, I shall ban you from the Garden forever. You will have agonizing pain while giving birth to puppies, I mean children, and thorns will prick your feet and cause more pain. I will also curse your children and they will live in misery and die because of the bananas you have eaten. I will give your descendents the gift of cancer, heart disease, AIDS, bad teeth, prostrate problems, and all miserable death causing plagues. That will teach you to eat a banana. Now, pack your bags and leave my home."

"But God doesn’t that sound a little harsh just for eating a banana? Did you not create all things and call them good? Besides, we don’t have any bags. There is no need to pack our fig leaves; we only have one set anyway." Replied the woman.

"There you go asking questions again, woman. I shall create a new word for you, and it shall be called "Nag." You shall nag your husband the rest of his days. Now get the hell out of my Garden!"

Therefore, Adam and the woman turned from God and walked out of the Garden of Eden. Just as they were leaving, God beamed down a couple of angels who were posted as guards to keep them out of Paradise. The Angels had Excalibur broadswords and were constantly swinging them in motion. The woman knew if she got too close, she would be sliced into hashed meat. She had a destiny to fulfill and knew the Garden was no longer to be part of it.

Adam said, "God is mad about his bananas. You would have been better-off if you had shoved those bananas up that talking snake’s vent. If you ever see him again, woman, just point him out to me. Do you know something, woman? I am going to miss those poppies. These figs leaves are chafing my groin." This was the first time Adam became aware of jock itch.

The woman said nothing. She spoke to Adam with a stern voice; "Isn’t it time you gave me a name? Don’t let this blond hair fool you; I know you could name me if you wanted to. I heard you call that sheep friend of yours "Sweetie" and yet you still refer to me as "the Woman." Since God said I nag you, it starts now, you butthead."

"You aren’t just a woman, you are an evil woman. Hey, that’s it! I will give you the name ‘Evil’. From now one you shall be called Eve for short. Let’s see now, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve, dog, cat, cow, pig, horse and Eve. I have to remember that. I wonder why don’t we have last names? Why don’t we have belly buttons? This is getting much too complicated."

Adam and Eve built a shack outside the Garden. It was not much of a place, but it was home. In truth, it was only some cardboard laid over some pieces of used plastic pipe they found in the local junkyard. Since it did not rain, the cardboard would last a longtime. They knew God would not kick them out of this home. The Almighty ignored and shunned them since they were reprimanded for eating bananas.

One hot evening after Adam got home to his shack, Eve put her arms around him and he discovered the truth about his pointing tool. They made love on the dirt floor of the shack. Eve became pregnant and had a puppy. Nah, I mean she gave birth to a son and named him Cain.

Some months later Adam and Eve had another hot steamy evening of “tool time” and she became pregnant again. This time Able was born. Neither son was given a last name.

Adam and Eve gave up their religious philosophy, no longer feeling dependent on God. After all, God had rejected them because of his precious banana tree. They never saw the talking snake again.

Cain and Able both loved God for whatever strange reason. Cain became a vegetable farmer and Able raised sheep and goats. Adam wandered around looking for poppy flowers but never found them growing outside the Garden. The poppies were created for pleasure, and God was keeping them inside the Garden of Eden for himself. He did not want Adam to enjoy himself. Putting up with Eve should have been enough punishment for eating a banana. Eve continued to have children by Adam. Eve continued to nag and bitch at Adam, following the instructions given to her from Jehovah God in the Garden of Eden.

Cain and Able grew into strong young men and decided to make an offering to Jehovah. Cain gathered some of his finest string beans, carrots, and lentils putting them in a plastic pail to be poured out on the alter he built to honor God. Able killed his finest and best sheep (this disturbed his father, Adam who had named this special sheep "sweetie") and put it on an alter of stone he had built which was similar to his brother’s alter.

God, who had been quiet since removing Adam and the Woman from the Garden, looked down at the offerings of Cain and Able.

"Cain," said God; "You offer me a pot of green beans and lentils. What sacrifice is that? I am not a vegetarian. I love meat and blood. Look to your brother Able as an example for you to follow. He has murdered his finest sheep, and is now pouring out its lifeblood on the rock altar. He is a man after my own heart. The smell of burned animal fat and blood is a pleasing scent to my huge nostrils."

God blessed Able and rejected Cain’s vegetable soup.

Cain was angry over the whole matter. His sacrifice did not involve murdering an animal, nor did he see the value of spreading blood over a rock. How was he to know God loved cooked animal fat and blood? Didn’t he command all humanity to be vegetarians? Cain became confused. So confused, that he took out his anger against his brother.

Able was an avid deer hunter who poached out of season. Can saw his brother bending over, dressing out a deer he killed. Cain quietly crept up behind him. Able stood up with a handful of deer entrails just in time to see his brother swing a baseball bat at him. Able felt his head crack like a ball headed for the outfield stands. The last sight Able would see was the major league logo stamped on the bat as it smashed into his face.

"If God wants a blood sacrifice," screamed Cain, "then here is one for him!" Able fell to the ground beside the dead 8-point buck. His life’s blood began to flow over a huge rock. The first murder of a human by another human being just occurred.

Cain took his brother’s body and threw it in a large crevice in a hill near the junkyard behind the shack of his parents. One cannot hide from God, even if He is on a sabbatical rest period.

"Cain" cried the voice of God, "where is your brother Able?"

"I offered him to you as a blood sacrifice, God. You should be pleased! Is there a problem?"

"Yes, you killed your brother and his blood cries out to me."

"I thought you liked blood sacrifice, at least you accepted the one given by Able. It seems we never do anything right for you."

"You have committed a great sin, Cain. For that, you shall be marked and sent to a foreign land to live. There you will become a great nation. The mark will keep others from killing you."

"I have a question, God. If my mom and dad and a couple of my sisters are the only people on the earth, why are you putting a mark on my forehead to protect me from strangers? If we are the only humans on the earth, there are no strangers. How can there be a foreign land if we are the only people in existence? Besides, if I committed murder, why will I be rewarded by becoming a great nation?"

"Cain, Cain, Cain, what am I going to do with you. Why do you ask me questions that are unanswerable? You are like your mom and dad, asking several ridiculous questions when I removed them from the Garden. Just be on your way and shut up."

"Okay, God. But how will I become a great nation when I do not have a wife?"

"Take one of your sisters as a wife and leave the shack. You will father many children with her and become a great nation."

"But, God, sir…how can I do the wild thing with my own sister? Isn’t that incest? Wouldn’t I be committing a great sin? What would mom and dad say if they knew I was bopping my own sister?"

"We will not record in the Bible who you take as your wife. It shall become a great mystery and future generations will be too soft-witted to question where you got your mate. I shall not record this event in the Bible. My prophet, the great Maharishi Gator shall only reveal it after the arrival of the seventh millennium. I am on vacation and resting, so I do not have the time or the inclination to create another woman for you. Besides, the last one I created became a real bitch and ate my bananas. I know your sisters are both undeniably like their mother in personality traits, but since they are the only humans in existence, select one and be happy about it. Leave me now and let me get back to my rest. There may be a good movie on cable television tonight."

Cain was grateful not to be punished for killing his brother Able. He was eager to leave home. God had given him a wench to take and keep house for him and pleasure him for children. He lived happily ever after and became a father to a great nation. I’ve ended this story like all good fairy tales should be ended.