Did You Ever Wonder?  Bible Facts

By Maharishi Gator

Copyright © 2004 by T. Scharrer

Jokes@gatorsden.org

 

 

Break the Sabbath: Get Stoned

 

     Did you ever wonder what sin would be worthy of death by Jehovah? It was the most horrible, most dastardly sin of gathering wood on the Sabbath day! If a man was caught gathering wood on the Sabbath day, he was brought before Moses, Aaron and the entire community. Jehovah said to Moses, “This man must be put to death. The whole community will stone him outside the camp.”

      The entire community, men, women and children went outside the camp, surrounded the poor man who had gathered wood, picked up stones and hurled them at him. The stones would hit his face, puncturing out his eyes, crushing his nose, breaking bones and snapping teeth out of their sockets. Wounds would open with massive bleeding. Brain tissue would flow freely out of his head. Parts of flesh and red globs of blood would be on the stones as the bounced off his arms, legs, face, and torso. Eventually the victim’s knees would buckle and he would fall on the ground. More stones would be thrown from the crowd and eventually he would die a horrible death. The ground around his body would become red with blood. Massive wounds would be open where parts of his intestines, kidneys, and brains would be visible. This is the penalty of Jehovah for picking up a couple of sticks of wood on the Sabbath day. It also seems unusual and sadistic the Jewish people, both men and women would gather and mass murder this poor gatherer of wood without inquiring the ethics of such a horrible and deadly action. Blessed is the name of Jehovah for his wood is more precious than human life. -- Numbers 15:32-36

 

Jehovah Liked and Demanded Bread and Cake for Himself

 

      Did you ever wonder if Yahweh liked bread and cake? Jehovah told Moses that whenever the Israelites entered a land they should give Yahweh “one cake aside as the firstfruits of your dough; you will still set this offering aside like the one from your threshing. For all future generations you will set a portion of your dough aside for Yahweh.” It was a serious sin if the Israelites did not give Jehovah his daily bread. Why did the all mighty, all-powerful tribal god of Israel need bread and cake? The book of Numbers does not go into details about this matter.    

     If, for some reason an Israelite forgot to follow this or any of Yahweh’s orders, the community would be required to offer a young bull as a burnt offering, as a smell, which was pleasing to Yahweh. Also, a cereal offering and a he-goat was required as an appeasement for the unintentional sin. The priest would perform the rite of expiration for the entire community and they would be forgiven. This was not a serious breach of the law, since they had not sinned but a sacrifice to take away sins they didn’t realize they committed. What is the logic behind this silly sacrifice?  

     Jehovah needed his cereal and meat. This sounds like the all-American breakfast, which sometimes consists of fried meat, eggs, and cereal. It is common for the modern breakfast to consist of either strips of bacon or a few sausages with toasted bread and a couple of chicken fetus (eggs). Nevertheless, we know that Jehovah did not like pork so there would be no mention of bacon or fried ham in the Bible. -- Numbers Chapter 15 

 

Better Not be Born as a Red Heifer

 

     Did you ever wonder if Jehovah liked red heifers? It was not good to be born as a red heifer in the days when Yahweh demanded sacrifice. A brown heifer or a black or spotted heifer would have a better chance of living, but if it were red, it would be dead. Jehovah demanded the priest Eleazar take a red heifer out of the camp and slaughter it in his presence. Eleazar would then take some of the heifer’s blood on his finger, sprinkle this blood seven times towards the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and then throw the heifer’s carcass on a fire. He would continue to burn its hide, flesh, blood and offal (guts) as he watched. After this murderous and bloody ritual was complete, the priest would wash himself and his clothing and return to camp. The ashes of the burned animal and wood with the hyssop would be gathered after the fire went out and stored outside the camp to be used to make water purification, which would be used to remove sin. This would be used to make clean an unclean person who touched a dead body. Otherwise and unclean person would be barred from the community. Jehovah had some good rules, didn’t he! -- Numbers chapter 19.

 

 

The Priests Chow Down Good Food

 

     Did you ever wonder if the Priests of Israel ate well? Do not feel sorry for the priests of Israel. They never went hungry. Jehovah was good to Aaron and the priests, because they could eat all the best of the best that was offered to Jehovah.
     ”Of the things especially holy, of the food offered, this is what will rever
t to you: every offering the Israelites give back to me, whether it is a cereal offering, a sacrifice for sin or a sacrifice of reparation, is a thing especially holy and will revert to you and your sons. You will eat the things especially holy. Every male may eat them. You will regard them as sacred.”

 

Did You Ever Wonder…?

 

Throughout the Old Testament, Jehovah (Yahweh) carried on long conversations with both individual Israelites and at times, large groups. Did you ever wonder who the court stenographer was who recorded God’s long conversations? Did you ever wonder if the conversations were recorded word for word and without error?

 

 Did you ever wonder why Yahweh didn’t write the rules and laws of the Israelites on a peace of parchment without using a human to write out all those orders?

 

Did you ever wonder why Jehovah would carry on an oral dialog with many Israelite prophets, kings, and priests and not speak anything to modern human beings?

 

Did you ever wonder why Yahweh had to have his own son brutally murdered in such a horrible manner just to save humanity?

 

Did you ever wonder why Jehovah murdered 42 children for calling his prophet Elisha, “old bald head”?

 

Did you ever wonder why Jehovah killed all the animals when he caused the flood in the days of Noah?  What did the animals do to deserve death?

 

Did you ever wonder if a snake could talk?

 

Did you ever wonder how Jehovah could stop rotating the earth for several hours to extend daylight for the Israelites to win a war without massive destruction to the entire planet?

 

Did you ever wonder why Yahweh would mass murder every firstborn Egyptian including women children and babies?  Did you ever wonder why he also mass murdered the firstborn of their animals?

 

Did you ever wonder why Isaac was considered the firstborn of Abraham when Ishmael was his firstborn son?

 

Did you ever wonder why the book of Revelations has not been interpreted correctly although it has been in existence for two thousand years?

 

Did you ever wonder what Jonah did while he was in the belly of the fish for three days?  Did you ever wonder why he was not digested, how he breathed, and how he lived?

 

Did you ever wonder why the Israelites had so many silly laws and rules?

 

Did you ever wonder why Jehovah allowed men to have several wives but a wife could only have one husband?

 

Did you ever wonder why the Israelites ever lost a soldier in battle when Jehovah was supposed to be fighting for them? 

 

Did you ever wonder . . . . .?

 

God Orders Mass Killing

 

         Did you ever wonder if Yahweh would ask someone to murder children and little babies? Jehovah decided to choose a King to rule over the nation of Israel. Rather than allow a voting or just the fickle finger of fate to choose a ruler for his chosen nation, Yahweh made the choice himself. Since Yahweh is all knowing, all knowledgeable, all loving, and believes in justice, he could choose a ruler which met the qualities of a perfect, kind, considerate for the nation which was to bring him honor and glory. Therefore, Jehovah decided to make Saul the first King of Israel!

     Samuel, who was Jehovah’s prophet, spoke these words to King Saul: “Now, go and crush Amalek; put him under the curse of destruction with all that he posses. Do not spare him, but KILL MAN AND WOMAN, BABE AND SUCKLING, OX AND SHEEP, CAMEL AND DONKEY.”

     Jehovah was ordering the death of all the men and women and their children. Let us not forget it included the babies who were nursing their mothers! The animals of Amalek also had to be mass murdered to satisfy the killing lust of Yahweh.

     Saul assembled 210,000-foot soldiers and crushed the Amalekites. But, unlike the needs of Jehovah, King Saul showed mercy and spared the best sheep, cattle, and lambs. However, he did put all the people to the sword.

      You would have thought that Yahweh would be happy with the victory. Nope, God was pissed because Saul had been merciful. Samuel, who was Jehovah’s prophet, was so upset that he cried to Jehovah all nightlong. When the sun arose the next morning, Samuel quit crying and left to go and find King Saul. When he found Saul, he chewed him up one side and down the other for not murdering everything as Jehovah had ordered. When he was done, King Saul felt smaller than a dung beetle chewing on a pile of Camel shit. Samuel said to Saul; “Since you have rejected Yahweh’s word, he has rejected you as king.”

     Samuel loved Jehovah and Jehovah loved Samuel. Therefore, Samuel decided to correct the mercy that Saul showed and had Agag the king of the Amalekites brought before him. Samuel then cut to pieces and butchered Agag before Yahweh at Gilgal. ----First Samuel Chapter 15.

 

Yahweh Murder’s King David’s Son

 

     Did you ever wonder if Jehovah would kill a child because of the sins of its father? After the death of King Saul, Yahweh made David the new King of Israel. David loved Jehovah and Jehovah loved David. David also loved sex so he arranged the death of a soldier named Uriah so he could take the man’s wife as his own wife. King David wasted no time with his new bride and after rising for the occasion, proceeded to get her pregnant. She bore him a baby son.

     Because of the sin of David, Jehovah caused the death of the baby. After the child died, David fasted, hoping the baby would come back to life. When nothing happened, he quit fasting and consoled his wife Bathsheba. How did he do this? Once more, he arose for the occasion and David got her pregnant again. This time she gave birth to another son whom she called Solomon. Yahweh loved this son more than the first one. He would not snuff baby Solomon.

      Therefore, David’s murdering Bathsheba’s husband and taking the man’s widow for his own wife was necessary.  If David had not been a murderer and adulterer, then Solomon would never have been produced, and the entire fate of the world would have changed. Solomon eventually built a temple to honor Yahweh. He was known as the wisest man in the known world during his lifetime. Solomon sexual skill would also exceed those of his father, King David. Solomon would eventually have many wives and concubines that would entertain him at bedtime. 

 

Jehovah Gives Victory in War and Kills an Innocent Child

 

          Did you ever wonder if Jehovah would want a man to sacrifice his own virgin daughter? Would you, in your wildest thoughts believe Yahweh would want such a horrific and despicable act to support a man in wartime?

      Jephthah was a warrior for Jehovah. He also made a vow to Jehovah if the Ammonites were defeated in war, the first person or animal greeting him when he returned in triumph would belong to Jehovah. He vowed to kill and offer the creature as a sacrifice and burnt offering. Jephthah kicked ass and won the battle. He would fulfill his promise to God after returning to his home. Jephthah assumed a lamb or sheep would run up to him as he entered his property or perhaps one of his servants, which he consider expendable. Instead, his beautiful young virgin daughter greeted him warmly while dancing to the beautiful sound of tambourines. She was his only child. Jephthah was heartbroken when he saw her. He screamed at her; “You have joined those who bring misery into my life!” He granted her a two-months leave to go into the mountains and morn over her virginity. She knew that she was to be murdered by her father and dearly wanted a normal life and children. When she returned two months later, her father Jephthah fulfilled his vow to Jehovah by murdering his only daughter and sacrificing her as a burned offering to Jehovah. Blessed is the name of Jehovah. ----Judges Chapter 11

 

Nahum Tells It Like It is

 

Yahweh is a jealous and vengeful God,                (Isn’t jealousy a sin?)

Yahweh takes vengeance; he is rich in wrath;       (Shouldn’t we forgive instead?)

Yahweh takes vengeance on his foes,

He stores up fury for his enemies.                     (Isn’t anger a sin?)

Yahweh is slow to anger but great in power,        (Oh.. slow anger is all right?)

Yahweh never lets evil go unpunished.              (Is anger and jealousy evil?)

In storm and whirlwind he take his way,

The clouds are the dust stirred up by his feet.       (Clouds are water vapor.)

He rebukes the sea, dries it up,                 (Yahweh does not like the sea?)

And makes the rivers run dry.                          (Yahweh causes drought?)

. . .Bashan and Carmel wither, the greenery of the Lebanon withers too.

The mountains tremble before him,                  (He causes earthquakes?)

The hills real:The earth collapses before him,              (Jehovah is having a bad day.)    

The world and all who live in it. His fury-who can stand it?

Who can endure his burning wrath?                  (How about mercy instead?)

His anger pours out like fire                               (His anger is out of control.)

And the rocks break apart before him. Yehweh is better than a fortress                       

In time of distress; He recognizes those who trust in him

Even when the flood rushes on;

He will make an end once and for all of those who defy him,

And pursue his foes into darkness.         (What about forgiveness instead?)

           

Gator’s comments:  Wouldn’t an all-powerful deity have better control of his emotions than what is described in the first chapter of Nahum?