By Maharishi
“Jonah, hey Jonah, get your butt off that
straw mattress and go to
“I’m tired, and besides I don’t like
“JONAH, I am Jehovah your God. Now, move
your butt like I said. Go to the great city of
“Sure God, uh huh, I’ll do it right away
to be sure!” Replied Jonah.
Jonah got up out of bed and shook straw
off his clothing and took his morning dump and whiz. He washed his hands for
breakfast. There was important work to be done, so he dare no
After a breakfast of gruel, stale bread,
and cheese, Jonah finished his morning meal with a glass of thick goat’s milk.
Jonah had a strong constitution. A man drinking a glass of raw, thick, chunky
goat’s milk would often upchuck the contents of his
stomach, but not our Jonah! With his
stomach full and his bowels empty, Jonah packed his knapsack and started
walking. He was not going to
On the way to his destination, Jonah
decided the trip could not be completed unless he got a job to earn a few
dollars. Jonah was hired as an olive picker. Jonah lef
Jonah packed his meager belongings into
his knapsack, adding the money he earned for picking olives to the few coins in
his purse. Back in those days, men did not carry billfolds or wallets. They all
carried a purse, so don’t star
Jonah opened his purse and paid most of
the money he had to the ships purser. Jonah booked passage to the city of
Our scene shifts to the small ship
bound for Tarshish. God was busy, blowing up a great wind over the sea, which
caused a terrible storm. The ship would rise and fall, twist and turn, rise and
fall, from bow to stern. All the passengers began to fear they would soon die,
so they began to call on each one’s personal God for protection and safety. The
ship needed less weight, so they began to throw objects overboard to gain
control of the foundering vessel in the sea. They threw empty cans, trash bags
full of junk, and huge storage containers full of salt
which contained minute parts of human flesh and bones overboard. The salt had
been mined from the area where the ancient cities of
The ships captain, upset after losing his
salt woman statue, searched the ship. He found Jonah fast asleep, deep in the
bowels of the stern, snoring like two tree cutters pulling a crosscut saw
through an oak tree.
“What is the matter with you, Jonah? Get
out of bed and call ou
Jonah got out of bed and once again, shook
the straw off his shirt. He went up from his sleeping quarters and stood on the
deck. The passengers started casting lots to decide who was
the “weakest link.” The looser would have to leave the ship, never to
return. The ballots were cast; the final votes were in. There was no “hanging chads” in this ballot because Jonah was found to be the
cause of this calamity. The Captain spoke to Jonah;
“From where do you come? What has caused
this calamity? What is your country and from where do you originate? Is your
family aware they have very weak DNA?” Does the world know that you are not
worthy of surviving because you lack social skills?”
Jonah looked a
The Captain looked sternly at Jonah, not
cracking a smile or showing emotion. “What should we do to you? What about it
people, what shall we do with him?”
Jonah slowly raised his eyes and viewed
the entire ensemble of people around him. He looked a
The men refused to do wha
The sea became calm, so the ship’s
passengers decided they had removed the unworthy weakest link. They wanted to
offer a sacrifice to Jehovah for saving them. They picked ou
Jehovah was not done. He called a huge
fish to come out of the depths of the sea to open its mouth and swallow Jonah
and several other species of marine life. Jonah slipped down the throat of the
fish. He found himself in a huge pool of digestive juices in the fish’s
stomach. The smell was terrible. He looked around and finding a small table,
Geppetto sat down, lighting a candle, and began waiting. (Wait a second; this
is no
Our partly digested Biblical hero prays to
Jehovah. There is not much else to do in the guts of a fish anyways. He prays
for three days in a row. Finally, the fish swims up to the shore, opens it huge
mouth and projectile pukes Jonah onto dry land. Now friends, you may think tha
Once more, Jonah got up, bu
After entering the city for one day, Jonah
told everyone he passed; “Only forty more days and
The town’s people looked at Jonah, pinched
their noses speaking aloud, “Gee man, take a bath, you smell like shit!”
Jonah had not bathed since he was puked
out by the fish onto dry land.
The people of
The king had decreed. It must have been a
strange sight in the city, to see all the people of
Jehovah go
Our man Jonah is not happy. Jonah was
suffering with severe depression. He
became angry. This mood swing would be followed by suicidal tendencies.
“See, Jehovah, I told you so. I knew this
problem with
Jehovah did not reply to Jonah. He
remained silent.
Jonah lef
Jehovah was having fun with Jonah. At dawn
the next day, God appointed a worm to attack the bottle-gourd plant. The plant
dried up and the sun shown forth on Jonah’s head with torrid vengeance. They
did not wear baseball caps back in those days to protec
Jehovah spoke to Jonah; “Are you angry
because I gave you the bottle-gourd plan
Jonah replied; “I’m angry to the point of
death, and you didn’t care. I wan
“See, Jonah, you felt sorrow for the
bottle-gourd plant, and I felt sorry and REGRET for what I almost did to the
people of
Jonah did not say anything. The Biblical
epic ends there without any further information about Jonah. Some say that he
still wanders the world forever, avoiding any assignments from Jehovah. Others
say because of his familiarity with fish, Jonah moved to
Perhaps the moral of the story is
this: Man who smells like fish innards
will cause even the most evil person to seek refuge in God.
That
is the strange end of the story of Jonah as told to me by my dog Buffy.
Maharishi
2004