The seven days of Christmas. DAY 6:

     Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.   Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy.

     Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?  It’s time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa.

     Dear Santa, I  want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a  pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

    Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa.

     deer santa:   I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer  Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy.

      Dear  Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about  I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa.

     Dear  Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is  peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah.   Dear  Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some early Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about
12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night. Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me..." I realized then that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred dollar bill and ran to my truck.

Hah! The Mighty Gator got you on this one didn't he! (Has sanity left me since I continue to write about myself in the third person?)

I, personally, have a working relationship with Vladimir Putin and that's very important. I've got a warm relationship with him. It's a relationship where I can sit down with him and ask him direct questions as to why he's made the decisions he's made. It's a relationship where he questions me about what the intentions of the United States may be. It's one that I value, and I think it's an important relationship not only for the United States to have, but it's an important relationship for countries in Europe for the United States to have a relationship with Vladimir Putin. White House, May 5, 2006.

I've come to realize that the nature of the German people are such that war is very abhorrent, that Germany is a country now that is -- no matter where they sit on the political spectrum, Germans are -- just don't like war. And I can understand that. White House, May 5, 2006.

I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel. White House, May 4, 2006 And it recognizes that we have got to educate our children -- now! -- for the skill sets necessary for tomorrow. And this is a better place -- there's no better place to talk about that -- and there is no better place to talk about that right here at Parkland Magnet Middle School for Aerospace Technology. Thanks for letting us come by. God bless. Apr. 18, 2006.

The tests show we're fine in the fourth grade in math, and we're okay in eighth grade. They start to slip up prior to going to high school. That is the time to intervene in a child's academic career to make sure he or she has that skill set necessary to become the mathematicians or the scientists or the engineers by the time they get out of college. Rockville, Maryland, Apr. 18, 2006.

There's no need to have a health care system for our seniors that doesn't meet needs. And one of the things I noticed in analyzation of the health care system for seniors, analyzation of Medicare, was that medicine had changed, but Medicare hadn't. Jefferson City, Missouri, Apr. 11, 2006.

I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it -- I'm going to repeat what I said before -- I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out. Apr. 6, 2006.

What we're doing is difficult work. And one -- the interesting thing that's happening is, is that imagine an enemy that says we will kill innocent people because we're trying to encourage people to be free. here, White House, Mar. 21, 2006 The people of the city still have many challenges to overcome, including old-age resentments that still create suspicion. Cleveland, Ohio, Mar. 20, 2006

The third part of our plan is to develop new technologies to defend against IEDs. We're puttin' the best minds in America to work on this effort. The Department Defense recently garnered some 6 -- gathered 600 leaders from industry and academmia, the national laboratories, the National Academy of Sciences, all branches of the military, and every -- uhh, relevant government agency to discuss technology solutions to the IED threat. George Washington University, Washington, D.C., Mar. 13, 2006

White House Answering Machine:

"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.  

"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $9 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it.

 "If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then state the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research.

 If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you.

 "If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.

 "If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, press Star 1 and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.

 "If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press Star 2 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.  

"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.

 "If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy and you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year, press Star 3; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press Star 4; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.

 "Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.

 Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you and remember to vote Republican next election.

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

Here’s another one: Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Thanks to Ralph for sending this humor!    

     John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform, went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
     The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch  had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
     John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the  "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could  figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on  our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and  screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Saturday is Pun day.

Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

 It’s Friday the 13^th, so expect bad events today.

Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped:

The cucumber has left the salad.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You have Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.

Forest Service Comment Cards:  

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
     "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
     "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
     "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
     "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
     "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
     "All the mile markers are missing this year."
     "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
     "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
     "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
     "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
     "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
     "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
     "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
     "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
     "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
     "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
     "Too many rocks in the mountains."

     The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
     Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:  "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Question for the day. Where did the summer go?

     One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
     Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and asks the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."

Dan says:

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra, Iraq when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

     The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
     The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.”
     "I yelled to! him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag,”  and he yelled back that “Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.”
     So I said that “Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
     He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
     "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

For my daughter, who hates puns:

Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Especially for my good friend Ralph:

 An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
     One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
     "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
     The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
     Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
     "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Republican Congressman!"

     Here’s the story of my pretty and perceptive granddaughter. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. Therefore, she sent him a 'Get Well' card.

Thanks to Connie who will be writing back to me:

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
     Sister Connie told him to watch his language.
     At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."
     "Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing."
     The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."
     Sister Connie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
     At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed."
     Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Connie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

Especially for Becca:
     A guy from Florida passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
     Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Florida to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Did you hear about the $3 million Florida State Lottery?
     The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new law was recently passed by Jeb Bush, the Governor of Florida.
     When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in Florida and orders a homebrew.
     The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?”
     "No," replies the man, "I'm from Arkansas".
     The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Arkansas?"
     "I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
     The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?”
     The man says, "I mount animals".
     The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

     A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
     "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
     So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says,
     "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
     "No, because he's really heavy."

From a correspondent in Arizona:

     I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
     He asked, “do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
     "Oh no," I replied, "I'm not doing either."
     Then he asked,  "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
     I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
     "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
     “No, I don't," I said.
     He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
     He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

The infamous Connie says:
     A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
     Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.  The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
     "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
     "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop...  

And she said....
(This is good...)
(Ready?)
(Remember, she's a blonde...)

"Those  are my emergency flashers!" she  replied.

     Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
     One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.
     Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
     Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
     That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
     As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.
     Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

     A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
     The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
     The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
     She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor, Connie came over to visit.
     "What are you doing?" Connie shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
     "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.
     "Well silly, it's not going to work," replied Connie.
     "Why not?" asked the first blonde.
     "Because, you've got to roll up the windows first." 

-The Mighty Gator smiles, while waiting for an Email from Connie.

     With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 63-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.  When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
     "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
     "Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
     Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
     "No, not yet," said the mother.
     After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
     "No, not yet," replied the mother.
     Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
     "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
     "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
     "BECAUSE, I can't remember where I put him."

-The Mighty Gator snickers, because he is still a bit younger than 63.

     I have a Yorkshire Terrier.  I was buying a bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
     On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I  probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd  lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
     Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to need help, as he laughingly staggered to the door.

From a member:

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
     “You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?   I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden.
     The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."  He thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,  "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"  The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
     The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.  His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Subject: Bird Flu:

In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has just bombed the Canary Islands.

....Turkey is next.

Today’s Pun:  A princess gets her education one knight at a time.

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
      "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said.  “Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
     Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you." 

Today’s Pun: A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

Incredible story about an elephant's memory:  

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
     The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
     As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
     Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
     The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
      After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
     The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
     Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
     Probably wasn't the same elephant.

     A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
     He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
     Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
     Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
     By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

The 12 Good Things about Hell:

12.  None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
11. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
10.  Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
9.  Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
8.  Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
7.  Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
6.  Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
5.  The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."
4.  Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
3.  Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
2.  Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.  

1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J. and Welcome Michael Jackson "  t-shirts.

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: “When you're full of bullshit, keep your mouth shut.”

Especially for someone who will know it is for her: 

The world's shortest fairy tale:
     Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.  

The End

  I don’t recall who sent me this essay, but I know my readers will enjoy it. Well, okay, some will enjoy it while others hate it. -Gator  

    First I love Bush because Rush Limbaugh says so. Rush is a brilliant brave man who has been right for so long. Rush tells me what to think so I don't have to worry.
     I love Bush because he is a war president. He bravely went into the Air National Guard when that wimp Kerry just drove boats around Vietnam. Bush has real character, he has real flaws like being an alcoholic and getting caught driving drunk and being unable to speak well. That is the kind of guy I like....not that snooty Mr. Perfect Speaker Kerry who never was arrested for a felony.
     I like Bush because he has spent us into oblivion. I adore a huge deficit, because Americans love a challenge and think how challenging it will be to dig ourselves out of the huge financial hole he has dug for us, our children and our grandchildren. I love Bush because he knows you can stop forest fires by cutting down trees, and that if you bomb a bird habitat until be birds become rare more people will pay attention to those birds.
     I love Bush because he is trying to stop poor people from getting drugs they need to live from Canada. If people can't afford drugs, well they should just have been born rich.....and if they can't be bothered to be born rich then they should just die.
     I love Bush because he keeps everything secret from me. I don't need to know who is formulating government policy, why the policies are enacted, or even WHAT the policies are. George Bush has had the holy hand of God involved in his ascendancy to the Presidency, and who am I to question God? Whatever Bush does is blessed! Glory!
     I love Bush because he whipped up America to go to war with Iraq while Osama still ran free. Osama wasn't the threat Saddam was, because Saddam had WMDs or he didn't, and Saddam had connections to Osama and even if he didn't he may have. Plus, the war killed a bunch of people who aren't rich, and spent more of our money, which is just a bigger challenge Americans love.
     I love Bush because the powers of the police have been expanded, which is needed in times of wars....especially wars in which WMDs aren't found. We can trust the police to do the right thing.....especially when Bush judges rule on cases involving abuse of police power.
     I love Bush because he wants to give 11 million illegal aliens the right to get social security, then go home and have us send the checks out of the country. That makes GOOD SENSE to me!
     I love Bush because his presidential package was impressive when he went on the aircraft carrier to announce Mission Accomplished!
     I like Bush because he cut taxes during a surplus and then during a recession and if you keep cutting taxes eventually the government will go broke which is really his agenda.
     I like Bush because he banned stem cell research and if it is God's will people die from diabetes, Parkinson's, cancer, heart disease or anything else who are we to meddle? Better to let the extra zygotes be thrown out, than to let some scientist use them to cure disease!

     Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.
     Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
     Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
     There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
     To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?”

 Today’s Pun:  I took a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

For my friend Ralph… 
Brazilian soldiers:

     Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.  He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq"
     "Oh no" exclaimed the President. "That's terrible."
     His staff is stunned by his display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits with his head in his hands.
     Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

     One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
     At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
     Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
     Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
     The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
     And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
     Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
     By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
     So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, ”Big John doesn't pay! "The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
     With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass."

Moral of the story:  Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

     “Bless me Father, for I have sinned."
     The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
     "I lusted," Melvin replied.
     "Tell me about it," the priest said.
Melvin then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked seductively if I would like to come in."
     "And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
     "Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
     "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
     "A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Melvin asked.
    The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, ... you dumb ass.”

Dumb things:

     A man in Clifton, Colorado apparently got so caught up in his "Tomb Raider" computer game that he forgot he wasn't supposed to use a real gun. Sheriff's deputies confiscated Douglas Miller's shotgun after he fired it at his computer screen.
     The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
     A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I  had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,    I'd take it and pour it into the river."     Then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,   I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,   "Shall We Gather at the River"

Today's pun: A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken."

       There was this blonde who worked for a company that develops estimating software in Texas who was a little confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
     He called her into his office and said, "you graduated from Texas A&M didn't you?? She replied, "Yes, with honors !
     The golf course owner then explained that he was having a small problem with an invoice and needed some help.
     "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked.
     The blonde secretary thought a moment, and replied, "Everything but my earrings."

For my Vermont friend:    

     A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
     St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
     "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
     "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
      "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
       St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
      The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
      "So where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
      "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Thanks to my friend in the U.K.: 

     This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. Moreover, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.
     It's getting ugly.

Dear Friends and Relatives:

     I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
     We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Dick Cheney, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.
     We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.  

Thank you. George W. Bush Monument. Committee P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far. – Thanks to R.B.

      A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
     The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".
     They say he never heard the shot.............

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so the biologist he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when a rowdy crowd from New York City showed up.  Being somewhat skeptical, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.  After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit them, as they were for better or worse, still all his children.
     A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
     "What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
     "No!" replied Saint Peter.  "The Pearly Gates!"

Today’s pun:  A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.

Internet Domain Names -- Be careful out there!

You have to be careful when you register a domain name! It's sometimes hard to figure out what words are embedded in it if you don't capitalize things well in your advertising:

Site: GotAHoe.com Is really: GoTahoe.com (Lake Tahoe Visitors Bureau)
Site: PenisLand.net Is really: PenIsland.net (sells custom pens)
Site: TheRapistFinder.com Is really: TherapistFinder.com (directory of therapists)
Site: ExpertSexChange.net Is really: ExpertsExchange.net (data base experts site)
Site: WhorePresents.com Is really: WhoRepresents.com (directory of agents and who they represent)Site: PowerGenitalia.com Is really: PowergenItalia.com (Italian power company)
Site: MolestationNursery.com Is really: MoleStationNursery.com (a plant nursery in Mole Station, Australia)
Site: DollarSexChange.com Is really: DollarsExchange.com (currency trading site)

In the year, 2525:
     Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English  recognized as Mexifornia's third language      Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.  Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.  Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 30 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.  George Z. Bush says he will run for President in  2036.      Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
     A $75.8 billion study shows that: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. 
     Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.  Japanese scientists have created a camera with such  a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.   Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.   Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates  their civil rights.   Average height of NBA players now nine feet,  seven inches.   New federal law requires that all nail clippers,  screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered  by January 2036.   Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly  illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.      Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have  sex with congressman.      IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Sex Study-sent by a member of Gator's humor:
     A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
     Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late...

Gator had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet Mrs. Gator had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
     As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
     "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
     "I think you're bad luck."

Today's pun: A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Dear Mom & Dad,
     It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
     I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
     Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
     Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
     Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
Wyatt