Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: I must tell you all something.  We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."
     "Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back,  "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."

 Today’s pun: After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

READER'S  GUIDE:
1.  The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.  The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3.  The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4.  USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The  New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5.  The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time,  and if they didn't have to leave Southern  California to do  it.
6.  The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7.  The New York Daily News is read  by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care  as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8.  The  New  York  Post is read  by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do  something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9.  The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10.  The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions: if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy,  provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11.  The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12.  And, finally, the country is run by someone who doesn't read a newspaper at all...

IQ Test:
     A man walks into a bar. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
     The man replies "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and nano technology.
     The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
     The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns and women's breasts
     Really impressed! the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" "The man replies, "About 50, I think."
     And the robot says... really slowly, "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

     I don't understand After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
     She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you"
      I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
     I don't think she'll be back. The child support begins in two weeks.

     Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because of her bust. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is also a DNA connection. This was (is) called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

 Heh, heh, the Mighty Gator got you on that one!

Today is the most important day of the year, folks!  Yes, it is the start of the 2006 Major League Baseball season!  I have a 50 inch HDTV television set which can ONLY receive Detroit Tiger baseball games.  (At least, that is what I told Mrs. Gator!)  On with today’s religious humor:

    One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the to the class of five-year-olds,  "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived."
     An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
     Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew."  The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
     Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
     The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
     As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
     "I know, Miss. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business," Adam replied.

The mighty Gator hangs his head in shame, with apologies to anyone who may be offended by the above joke.

Today’s pun:  What is the purpose of reindeer?      “It makes the grass grow, sweetie.”

Cadillac People:
     A man and his wife were driving through the country on their way from New York to California.  Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
     "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver.
     While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
     "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."  
  "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
     "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
     "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
     "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
     "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
     The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10.  He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
     "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
     "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
     "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

     An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
     After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
     To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.  I guess I am."
     After a short while, he asked her what she was.  She replied, "I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
     A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

     A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
     He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
      But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
      The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
      The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
     The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
     That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"
     He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"
     She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
     So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
     The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
     "Probably at work!"

(The Mighty Gator smiles mischievously for posting such a stereotypical joke.)

Today’s pun: A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

     For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads:  We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
     The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
     When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
     Just thought you would like to know. 

Today’s pun:  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Cousin Carol says: The Dead Rabbit :
     A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
     A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it!"
     The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
     The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
     Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
     The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
     The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(OK, here it is)
It says,  

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

  A year ago, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." `
     "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
     George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?" `
     "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
        As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
 

Today’s pun: My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

          President Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from Dick Cheney.
          "Mr. President," said the Vice President, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
          "Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
          "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
          "Gosh that is bad.  And the good news?"
          "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

 Today’s pun:  There were two ships. One had red paint and the other one had blue paint. They collided.  At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Undercover Clergy, from a Gator’s Humor member:
     A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
     Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Becca says:
     The woman next door was complaining about her husband over coffee this morning and I was attempting to commiserate with her once more.
     "Surely darlin'," I said, "there must be SOMETHING the two of you have in common?
     "Well, yes," she acknowledged finally, “we did get married on the same day." 

Today’s pun:  Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Canada says:
     A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
     A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
     A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
     The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
     A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." 

Today’s pun: I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Thanks to a correspondent:
     A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin:
     Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
     Pam: "Yes."
     Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush?"
     Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
     Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
     Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's.
     " Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
     Carol: "Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
     Pam: "Are you sure?"
     Carol: "I'm sure."
     Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
     Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
     Pam: "Yes."
     Regis: "Are you confident?"
     Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
     Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
     To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
     "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

Cousin Carol says:
     An 80-year-old man says to his doctor, "I've never felt better! Life is great and I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
     The doctor considers his question for a minute, and then begins: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle.   When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
     Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. "What do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
     The 80-yearold said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
     The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Today’s pun: Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?

     A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed and listened to her prayer as she said:
"God bless Mummy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."
     The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
     The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
     The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mummy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
     The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
     "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
     He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night.  In the morning, he went to his office. He was nervous all day and watched the clock. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived and the day was over. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
     When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
     He replied, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
     She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

Just Fred, for my friend Fred:
     A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.  Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
     "Fred" he replies.
     "Fred what?" the officer asks.
     "Just Fred" the man responds.  When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
     "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
     The man replies...  "It's a long story so stay with me.  I was born Fred Dingaling.  I know, funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all the time.  So I stayed to myself.  I studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
     "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream.  Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
     "Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD.  So, I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS, VD.
     "Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
     "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
     "Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." 

Today’s pun: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

     "Football players win football games." - Chuck Knox, football coach.
     "Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline.
     "If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime." - Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President. 

Today’s pun: I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

The famous Connie says:
     After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
     "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
     "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
     "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
     The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
     "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Today’s pun: I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

Top 14 biblical ways to acquire a wife

* Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy  21:11-13)
* Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
* Find  a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses --  Exodus 2:16-21)
* Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part  of the deal. (Boaz -- Ruth 4:5-10)
* Go to a party and hide. When the  women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.  (Benjaminites -- Judges 21:19-25)
* Have God create a wife for you while  you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam -- Genesis 2:19-24)
* Agree to  work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into  marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for thewoman you wanted  to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years oftoil for a wife.  (Jacob -- Genesis 29:15-30)
* Cut 200 foreskins off of your future  father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David -- 1 Samuel  18:27)
* Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll  definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain -- Genesis  4:16-17)
* Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.  (Xerxes or Ahasuerus -- Esther 2:3-4)
* When you see someone you like, go  home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If  your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one  for me." (Samson -- Judges 14:1-3)
* Kill any husband and take HIS wife  (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David -- 2 Samuel 11)
* Wait for  your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.)  (Onana and Boaz -- Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
* Don't be  so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon -- 1 Kings 11:1-3)

Stupid Quotes part 1:
     "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm.
     "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
     "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
     "How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."- Anonymous Manufacturer
     "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
     "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian.
     "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster.
    "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach.
     "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach.

Dan said:
FEMALE POEM:

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Thanks to Jim…    

     A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
     One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their particular religion.
     Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.  Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
     "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!”
     Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory  he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY  WORD!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN  another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
     They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out  of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

I was a young man during the 60’s, enjoying the Beatles and several other groups.  In the seventy’s I enjoyed listening to Harry Chapin, many of the Vietnam War protest singers and Bob Dylan. Those days are gone, but some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us fans who no longer are young. They include: 

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.  Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Sent by a member of Gator’s Humor:

Why women hate physicals:
     A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.  The nurse starts with certain basic items.
     "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
     "115," she says.
     The nurse puts her on the scale.  It turns out her weight is 140.
     The nurse asks, "Your height?"
     "5 foot 8," she says.
     The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".  She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
     "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
Today’s pun: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

From a Canadian friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years.  Hey, you didn’t know it had been that long did you Grace!

Subject: Redneck Childbirth:
     The redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
     Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
     "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."
     Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
     "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
     The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
     Today’s pun: A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Canadian correspondent said:

A few of Becca’s Rules of Conduct:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you never particularly liked them.  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket: "water, but without that watery taste".  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass! . And it translates to "chicken with cashew nuts".
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care i! n the first place.
Today’s pun: A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

Q: What do you get when you mix the Holy Water with Prune Juice?  
  
A: A Religious Movement.  

Alcohol Warning: 
     If government is going to put health-warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
     WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
     WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Only in Florida, Part 3:

     Police checking to make sure no one was hurt after a tornado ripped the roof off a Palm Bah home found 54 marijuana plants growing in the bedroom, 750 pounds of cocaine ready to be shipped to Miami. 
     A man left a half-gram of marijuana as a ti at a Jacksonville Starbucks and was arrested when he returned the next day.
     One Jacksonville church called for a citywide ban on low-hanging pants and gold capped teeth.  They claimed it would reduce crime.
     A pizza delivery man in the Tampa area was shot in the leg during a robbery attempt and then delivered four other pizzas before seeking treatment.
     An Orlando area high school chemistry teacher was arrested after students said he gave a lesson on bomb building.  In St. Petersburg, police officers handcuffed an unruly 5-year-old girl after she acted up in her kindergarten class.
     The Mighty Gator is embarrassed because O.J. Simpson is a Florida resident.  In July, a neighbor called 999 and reported Simpson was being beaten by his girlfriend.  Later that month Simpson was ordered to pay $25,000 for pirating satellite television signals. 
     An Orlando area shoe manufacture sued a supplier, claiming that it delivered the worng chemical for an insole gel.  The mix-up caused the shoes to make, well, there is no easy way to say this, a farting sound with each step.

Only in Florida, Part 2:

     A Collier County woman was afraid her neighbor’s Chihuahua dog was going to attack her.  She shot and killed.   While in Flagler County, an off-duty reserve sheriff’s deputy saved a cat by shooting the dog chasing it.
     A man suspected of burglarizing a massage therapy business was arrested after he retuned to the scene looking for his missing wallet.
     Two dumb thieves stole an employee’s car at a Pensacola area gas station.  They returned an hour later to fill it up with gasoline.  They were arrested.
     An Ocala area man wanted to end his marriage, so he showed his wife a Utah man’s wallet and said it was from a hitchhiker he picked up, robbed and murdered.  After a massive search for the body, police learned that no one was killed.  The suspect confessed he made the story up so his wife would be afraid and leave him.
     In Palm Beach County, a teenage son helped his parents steal a dishwasher and stove from the house next door.  A few days later, they got in an argument and the teenager called the cops.
     Tampa officials topped construction on a school for emotionally disturbed students after deciding the site wasn’t such a good one.  The reason: Adult bookstores and strip clubs surrounded it.
     A drunk Monroe County prosecutor thought it would be funny to streak across a parking lot and hop into a friends car.  He jumped naked into the wrong car and was arrested.
     In Tampa, a 40-foot motor home was converted into a strip club and offered alcohol and lap dances outside Tampa Bay Buccaneers games.

Dearest Redneck Son,

     I'm writing this slow cuz I know you can't read fast.
     We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
     This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
     The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
     About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
     Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your daddy out.
     Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
     Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
     Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
     There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

STUFF FROM RESUMES THAT DIDN'T WORK * (Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International)

 I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs.
Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: Donating blood.  Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

From my daughter:
     It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
     As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
     The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful  antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
     He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
     The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
     "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
     It took three days to clean up the senior center. 

Today’s pun: Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

 Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the  little woman."
     "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
     "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.”
      "Really," said Charles, "now that's a  switch!  What did she say?"
      She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit" 

Today’s pun: When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

     A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death.  The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
     Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."
     Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
     A man said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
     "Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do
     One woman spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
     "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
     Jimmy, who was standing in the finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks."
     Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why you mother-in-law's home?"
     Jimmy smiled sarcastically and said; "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

Strange things in Florida:
     In Florida during 2005, one Burmese python swallowed a Siamese cat, another slithered into a poultry shack and ate a turkey before getting stuck inside because of the bulging bird in its gut.  Another tried to devour a 6-foot alligator before the effort caused the 13-foot snake to burst.  The solution to find pythons?  A beagle dog is in the Everglades to sniff out the python snakes.
Today’s pun: I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

Interesting fact:  Pythons are not native to Florida.  The arrived here when python pet snake owners got tired of their pet snakes and released then into the wild.  They are becoming a serious problem in the Everglades.

A special HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a most wonderful, intelligent, humble, patient, kind, good hearted, thoughtful, tolerant, brilliant and brainy person on my list.  Yes friends, it is my birthday.

Arkansas surgeons: 

     Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
     One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
     One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
     The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the Senator from New York."

Comments from Gator:  I posted this bit of humor for all my Republican friends, who believe I overlook them.

My Canadian correspondent says:

     Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
     "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
     As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.
     The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
     "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
     "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for Dried Arrangement!"

Today’s pun: Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card. -  Okay friends, the Mighty Gator admits today’s pun was pretty lame.

     A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."  He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there. 
     "You talk?" he asks.
     "Yep," the Lab replies.
     "So, what's your story?"
     The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
     The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
     "Ten dollars", says the owner.
     The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
     "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Monday January 30, 2006

THE BEST GRANDPA JOKE OF THE YEAR.

     A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,  "I've lost my grandpa"
     The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

Sunday January 29, 2006

     A Kansas sheriff refused to let the BTK killer's pastor perform a jailhouse exorcism on Dennis Rader, the Rev. Michael Clark said after a speech.
     Clark, pastor of Christ Lutheran Church in Wichita, told listeners at Holy Cross Lutheran Church in Overland Park that he believes Rader was driven by the devil to kill 10 people during a 13-year period, the Kansas City Star reported. Rader, who pleaded guilty, is serving 10 consecutive life sentences.
     "Dennis was influenced, I believe, by some kind of demonic force and that played a role in the choices and decisions he made," Clark said.
     Clark did not totally absolve Rader from responsibility for the killings, saying that he decided to respond to the demonic force.
     Rader was known at his church as a devout man who served as president of the congregation. In his neighborhood, he was known as a stickler for rules and regulations.
     Clark refused to answer a question about whether Rader had shown remorse.

Saturday January 28, 2006

The following is from the British Sunday Express, giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:

Rubber Cushion To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Crime watch Cup Gold star: To Henry Smith, who was arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."
Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
Flying Cross To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
Lazarus Laurel To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.
Silver Bullet To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him. 

Friday January 27, 2006

     Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you.
     Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell: "Oh, did you fart, too?"

Quoting G.W. Bush: Do you realize we've got a crisis when it comes to OB/GYNs in America? These good docs who have got the great compassionate job of taking care of young'uns, they're getting run out of business because of frivolous and junk lawsuits. It makes no sense. - Sterling, Virginia, Jan. 19, 2006

Thursday January 26, 2006

Thanks to Cousin Carol:

Subject: WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE........
     Jerry returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Jerry asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
     Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.  Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
     She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.  After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Jerry, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
     At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Jerry, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

Wednesday January 25, 2006